My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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