@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
