i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
