sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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