the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
