Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
