So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have feelings that need drinking.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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