I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
