I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
