she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
