dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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