I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
