I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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