My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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