moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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