in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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