The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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