No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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