are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
