I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
