What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
