I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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