We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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