best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
