How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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