i need an iv and a liver transplant
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
