You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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