i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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