Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
