I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
