The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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