covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
