so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
don't judge my taste in strippers
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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