she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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