Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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