I just cut my nipple shaving
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
