its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
