my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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