If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
