My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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