"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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