Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
