My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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