Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
