I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
