On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
