I like my sex mixed with concussions.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
