I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
