if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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