K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
