I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
