he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
