Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
