i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Mom said you looked used
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
