you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
