I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
