I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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