it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
