If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Randomize
