This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
