someone threw a dead crab at me
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
